listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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