She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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