Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How does one acquire holy water?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
