He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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