You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
