So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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