He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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