Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
