It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
