tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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