someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
