i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
