This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
