i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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