a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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