The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
