I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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