i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
