How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
