not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
