I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
