My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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