you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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