That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
