I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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