I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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