so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
