One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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