i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
