I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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