You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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