my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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