I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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