So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles