why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?