Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!