That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.