The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
