It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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