HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
