i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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