I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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