I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
