when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
