Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
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Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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