btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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