I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
