I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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