I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
