I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
