I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
