Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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