I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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