i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
