When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
