kristin has been a bad kristin
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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