Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
