I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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