I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
