I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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