OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
